True Confessions of an Originaljoesnake

“I feel like my First Amendment was violated,” Killian, 16, said. “Freedom of religion and freedom of expression. That’s what I tried to do, and I got shot down.” Freedom of religion? Yes, Killian says, his “pirate regalia” is part of his faith — the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

While it may seem absurd to wear Pirate Gear to school in the name of Religion, if that’s what Bryan Killian claims he believes in, how can his School Administration prevent him from expressing it?  Our culture is your basic smorgasboard, an anything goes of believes and philosophies where the only atrocity you can commit against someone else is to suggest that what they believe in or do with their life is wrong. Imagine if Bryan were gay or Muslim and the School sent him home, would there be outrage then? Whether or not Bryan is serious about his Pastafarianism- a religion that worships the flying spaghetti monster shouldn’t be the question. 

Maybe Bryan was trying to make a poignant statement about our post-modern society, he was trying to get some laughs, get under the skin of the School Administration, or he truly believes that salvation comes from a cartoon ball of pasta- just because we’re pretty sure the answer was one of the latter doesn’t mean we can rush to judgement. That is, if we’re going to be consistent with the Oprah/ Dr. Phil-equese way of living- do whatever feels right in your heart, don’t judge others for their way of living.

Most teachers, according to Bryan, took his side on the fateful day Killian decided to get serious about his religious beliefs. They were fine with the way he expressed himself in the name of religion: by wearing an eyepatch. Killian originally brought a sword to school too, but decided it was reasonable for Administration to request he get rid of it. Some administrators were not fine with Bryan’s religious eyepatch, however, and after repeated requests removed him from school.

As Bryan says, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Christian bring a note to wear a cross around their neck.” But, he was suspended and ridiculed by School Officials for his belief in a “fake religion”.

“If this is what I believe in, no matter how stupid it might sound, I should be able to express myself however I want to,” he said.

Inevitably, whenever the question of religious persecution comes up, so do Christians. A debate like this usually leads to people getting in their cheap shots on “blind faith” followers of Christ. Somehow, Christians are the source of all that’s wrong with America today, they’re the ones persecuting people like Bryan Killian. As one blogger sarcastically asks,

 Will Christian leaders speak out against this assault on religious freedom? Or do they only care about the rights of those who worship their flying god?

Admittedly, there’s a huge number of stupid Christians out there and most of these are the ones making ignorant statements to the media, but as a Christian shouldn’t everyone who cares and speaks out about religious freedom be coming to Bryan’s rescue? I love my right to believe in a God who sent his Son to the cross to die for our sins so I could go to heaven and if people like Bryan Killian want to believe in a flying spaghetti monster, then they should be able to.  

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Background

Some people consider food a necessary evil, something to provide the required energy their bodies need to keep on going. I’m not one of these people. Of course, I too need energy to keep on going, but I truly enjoy the taste and pleasure I get from eating something really good. There’s a number of places and things I like to eat. The list is too big to mention here, but I’m the kind of person that starts thinking about what they’ll have for lunch immediately when they leave the house in the morning.

Usually, when I pack my lunch and there’s something good in there, it doesn’t even survive until lunch time. That’s how much I love lunch. At a former job, where we used to go out to eat for lunch a lot, an expensive proposition but often too good to resist, we’d joke that we were lunch addicts. The joke was we’d ask questions you’d ask in an intervention like, “How many lunches did you have today?” or “You’re eating lunch again, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Answer me!”

I thought it fitting and appropriate to have a whole category dedicated to the great lunches I have. What’s really so special about lunch you ask? Couldn’t you also go out to a great dinner, you say scoffingly? What’s so dynamic about the mid-day lunch is it’s ability to break up a monotonous and otherwise excruciatingly boring day. You look forward to it and it feels like you’re almost getting away with something when you have a great lunch. You enjoy the company of friends and co-workers, you talk and relax. The greatest of lunches are immediately followed by the few seconds you actually have to strain to remember what it was you were doing before lunch, what your name was, and what planet you were on. It’s the back to reality moment and it’s the hallmark of the greatest lunches in the history of my life.

Chipotle

An awesome burrito place to be sure, surprisingly there’s still some people out there who are just discovering Chipotle. I’ve been a fan for years, ever since the only place within a reasonable distance to me was the location on the Kent State Campus. I mean, my sister used to drive a hour round trip to come and get one of these bad boys. I still feel like the Kent Chipotle is the best tasting Chipotle I’ve had.

The good thing is, Chipolte is opening more and more locations. The great thing is as in love with their burritos as I am, I may be just as in love with the way they choose to promote their product. Chipolte routinely gives away free burritos on holidays or other special events like a store opening. The crazy part is they don’t need to give these things away, people like me will buy them anyway. But they do. Chipotle is also the largest restaurant seller of naturally and humanely raised chicken, beef, and pork. Imagine my sheer excitement then when at work I saw a stack of cards good for a burrito, chips and guac, and a drink to the grand opening  of the new store in Highland Square.

I gathered up a few, my taste buds starting to tingle and my mouth starting to wet already. I had to wait a day, but today from 11 am to 2 pm the Highland Square Chipotle in Akron was only open to people who had the cards (tomorrow is the Grand Opening) and totally free. Alex, Eric, and I went for lunch and were expected a mob scene, but instead we were able to waltz right to the trademark steel counter and get our burritos.

I got 4 hard tacos actually, it’s a kick I’ve been on, and we proceeded to have one of the great lunches in the history of my life. It’s a bright sunny day, winter is gone, the food is free and good. I love when the sauces and the ingredients all blend together in the food. I feel stuffed, I’m back at work, and I’m thinking about what to have for lunch tomorrow. 

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A beautiful young girl loses her mother at an extremely young age. She doesn’t remember her, but from then on she sleeps with the light on and can rarely sleep alone.

Although seemingly shy and quiet with feelings of insecurity, the girl is a natural born performer and transforms when she’s on the stage. Even at a very young age, she knows how to make eye contact with the people that matter: the judges and later, the ones with the money. 

She battles drug addiction and abusive relationships. Although she has the steely resolve of a champion prizefighter, the girl can’t seem to get out of bad situations, she makes them worse by diving headfirst into them in pursuit of pleasure and satisfaction.  She’s driven by money and the acceptance of others not only to succeed in whatever she does, but to be the best. That is not all that drives her, there’s something darker too, she wants to prove people wrong, vengeful and bitter, she’s eager to get revenge on boyfriends who cheated on her by cheating herself, only she’s willing to take it further than her boyfriends ever have.

The girl spends most of her life without any real friends and spends most of her time violently fighting with those she does consider close. Who can blame her? She can’t trust and get close to anyone. That ability seemed to vanish sometime between the father that never cared what she did, the boys that took advantage of her, the multiple rapes and divorces, and a drug-fueled haze of shooting adult movies and rockstar behavior that would make Ozzy look tame.  

The girl is recognizable to almost every red-blooded male in America today. She’s one of our culture’s biggest crossover stars, an adult film actress as easily identifiable to middle-aged business men as she is to the housewives they come home to. The little girl’s name is Jenna Jameson and she details her tragic life in How to Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale.

Jenna is a compelling character. In one moment, it’s easy to feel sorry for her because of the horrific circumstances in her life, the next you’re rooting for her as she comes across as one of the most gritty, determined, and driven people you’ve ever read about. Then, a few pages later all you can do is shake your head as she makes more horrible decisions that start the cycle all over again. She wants to live free of disfunctional relationships that exploit her, yet she feels she needs to exploit herself to be happy.  

As intelligent, savvy, and determined as she is, throughout her life Jenna felt the only way she could gain acceptance was dangling her body in front of the men that wanted it. That feeling that she could only make it to where she wanted to go was to exploit herself continues to pervade her life. During the course of How To Make Love Like A Porn Star, she grows more and more callous towards using her body to quickly escape reality, make money, and gain the acceptance of those she desperately wants love from.

When people use her up and spit her out, it’s usually fine with Jenna because she’s doing the same. From strip clubs where she hustled 12 hours a day, at night bringing home over $4,000, to the time she lost her virginity at 14 to the 18 year-old who got her drunk and date raped her, it’s all good to Jenna as long as she gets what she wants. Jameson can’t escape the spotlight because it gives her love, acceptance, and success- something nobody else ever did.

While the first line of her book’s title may get you excited, the second, smaller line is the most important, although it will probably be overlooked by most the same way Jameson’s sad story will be skipped over in favor of the scantily-clad photographs of herself she fills the book with. Jenna’s ‘Cautionary Tale’ is played out over and over again by people hoping to achieve satisfaction in life by chasing urges and feelings. Jameson is a sad warning to all those who hope to find happiness and fulfilment from fame, fortune, and other’s opinions.

The little girl, wide-eyed, innocent, and fearful, was gone. I was different. I was a star now, supposedly; a married woman, on paper at least; and a confident adult in control of her own destiny, at least in other people’s perception. But in truth I had traveled so far and gone nowhere: I was still alone, looking for someone to help me make my way through the wilderness of the world. Every clearing I thought I had found turned out to be just a chimera. – Jenna Jameson, from ‘How To Make Love Like…’

With this quote from the end of her book as evidence, it never worked for Jenna and although she keeps trying, it will never work. Even the marriage she points to at the end of her book as the solution to all of her problems has recently failed. While Jameson may be an extreme example of the excess that the world brings, if she can’t find a way to satisfy herself, how will anyone else ever be able to?

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Recently, I was asked to review a paper written by a my good friend Alex’s sister. They both are from Russia, which explains the topic choice. I found the paper interesting to read, so I thought that I’d share:

A Matryoshka doll is a set of dolls of decreasing sizes placed one inside another. They are one of the most widely recognizable symbols and forms of traditional Russian Art. Matreshka are also known as Russian stacking dolls, nesting dolls, or Babushka dolls. A set of Matryoshki consists of a wooden figure which can be pulled apart to reveal another figure of the same sort inside, another figure inside, and so on. The number of nested figures is usually six or more. Their shape is mostly cylindrical, rounded at the top for the head and tapered towards the bottom. The dolls have no hands except those that are painted on. The artistry is in the painting of each doll, which is usually extremely elaborate. They come in different sizes, with different amount of dolls inside, different styles, and different dresses. Each Matreshka is a piece of art. Each in set of dolls is made from same piece of wood. As a rule nesting dolls are made from lime, birch, alder and aspen. The smallest figurine which cannot be taken apart is usually made first. All these operations do not involve any measurements, and rely only on intuition and require high professional skills. After the wooden parts are ready, a painter begins the job. That’s when the doll “comes alive”.

The idea of Matreshka probably came from a simple observation of the lower society at that time. Peasant women usually had a lot of children and Matreshka might have become the portrayal of a peasant mother and her children. The name Matreshka probably came from a widely popular name Matryona. The name is derived from the Latin “mater“, which means mother, and was associated with a strong, healthy woman who was a symbol of fertility and motherhood. It’s not surprising that many of the first Matreshka dolls looked like a chubby-cheeked peasant woman on the outside of the doll, with the likenesses of her numerous children painted on the smaller, nested inner dolls.

For me, Matryoshka is much more than a beautiful Russian souvenir. When I pause and look at Matryoshka it reminds me of my ethnic background, culture, values, people, and their beliefs. I associate Matryoshka with Russian folklore which embraces love for the motherland, freedom, peace, mysterious unity with God and nature, and the reckless desire to have a good time.

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The true ‘Cinderella’ story of the NCAA tournament, Dicks players, coaches, and fans have all rallied around the controversial, politically incorrect team mascot.

“All along, we believed in ourselves”, said the Dicks Head Coach, “We’re undersized, but it’s not the size that matters it’s how you use what you have. That’s dicks basketball.” The team’s star player said that his teammates “are rising to the challenge at the right time. We get up for the big games. We’re pumping away, really on a run lately.”

The team’s sharpshooter commented, “I’ve just been stroking it out there lately. We weren’t expected to be in it still, but we’ve just let it all hang out”. When asked what the senior told the team during his hot and heavy halftime speech to which the team responded and got the big win, he said, “Just play hard. That’s what I told ‘em. Don’t come out there soft. Let’s get excited and stick to them.”

The University’s Athletic Director said, “Although we’ve always sold those hats that say ‘Dicks’ on them, with the recent success of the team, we’ve been selling out of most merchandise. We can’t keep items in the bookstore.” When asked if the University would eventually bend to the pressure of campus feminist groups that want to see the name changed, he responded, “No, we stand firm. It’s the Dick’s way. We don’t bend. Anyway, it would be too hard. The Dicks mascot is a tradition here. Just to see the looks on fans faces when they see Dicky [the Dick's mascot] come out and get the crowd up and excited, it’s worth all the controversy.”

Although the Dicks are playing well, their stiffest challenge of the tournament is yet to come.

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Most big name players eventually spurn Cleveland and head for bigger and better pastures when the time comes and the irresistible green of big money is offered. (Don’t you do that, LeBron. Don’t you do that to me.) Before the ink dries on their big money, big market contracts, these once beloved hometown stars turn into hated rivals. SEE: Albert Belle, Jim Thome.

June, 1994- As teammates were gathered in the Indians clubhouse watching news of the O.J. Simpson Bronco chase, Ramirez asked what was going on. A player responded that “they are chasing O.J.”, to which Ramirez responded in disbelief, “What did Chad do?” (in reference to their current teammate Chad Ogea, who was likely in the same clubhouse just several feet away).

The 1995 Cleveland Indians, although they failed to win the World Series, had one of the most powerful offensive line-ups in baseball history. Manny Ramirez, probably my favorite baseball player ever, incredibly batted seventh for most of that year behind Thome and Belle, finishing with an astonishing 31 Home Runs and 107 RBI. Fans knew they were watching something special. His game winning 2-run Homer in the bottom off the 12th off Dennis Eckersley on July 16, 1995 is my favorite baseball moment of all time (or maybe a close second behind Baerga and Belle hawking baseballs for a McDonald’s commercial and Carlos exclaiming in his best broken English ”They’re going to be a big hit, Albert!”). I remember sitting on the couch watching the epitome of Jacob’s Field magic, Eck mouthing the word “Wow” as Manny’s shot flew into the left field stands. In 1999, his last year with the Indians, Ramirez totaled 165 RBI, the most since Jimmy Foxx had 175 in 1938.

When Manny moved on to the Red Sox, eventually winning a World Series, it was impossible for me to stop rooting for him. While most players come across as Prima Donnas, Manny is just the opposite- a carefree, laid-back player who is simply one of the best hitters in baseball history. Ramirez routinely gets 30-40 homers and 100+RBI a year, but there’s no steroid scandal, in fact Manny seems to be solely focused on hitting baseballs. He’s also one of the most likable guys in the clubhouse.

May, 2002- Loses diamond earring sliding into third base during a rehab start with the Pawtucket Red Sox. After the game, 13 PawSox players and the Syracuse grounds crew combed the third base area and found the stud, but not the diamond that was worth a reported $15,000. 

There’s no shortage of Man-Ram hi-jinks. To me, that’s what makes Manny a great player to follow, however, it creates a headache for team management and infuriates other fans. As great a hitter as he is, there’s been some questionable lapses in judgement on the field and the base-paths. Whether it’s infamously cutting off a throw from the outfield (Manny is an outfielder), disappearing into the Green Monster during pitching changes, wanting to be traded and later changing his mind, there’s no telling what Manny will do next. Fans call it “Manny Being Manny”, a term Manny himself loves to use. The trade off is worth it. As Ramirez approaches 500 career Home Runs, there’s no question he’s been in his own little world the whole time he’s been hitting them. As excruciatingly boring as baseball can be, especially in the dog days of summer, Manny is the rare player that makes it worth watching. 

When Manny addressed the media for the first time this spring, it wasn’t to talk about hitting or the Red Sox’ chances this year, it was to talk about Manny’s grill, available for purchase on E-Bay.

While making headlines earlier the spring telling the Red Sox he’d be late to report because of a “family situation” that was really Manny trying to auction off a car, Manny was making the difficult decision to part with the grill he had recently bought. From the actual listing:

Hi, I`m Manny Ramirez. I bought this AMAZING grill for about $4,000 and I used it once… But I never have the time to use it because I am always on the road. I would love to sell it and you will get an autographed ball signed by me =] Enjoy it, Manny Ramirez.

Classic Manny. He’ll throw it an autographed ball if you win the grill.

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Since I found out that I’m going to be teaching central teaching, C.T., for our fellowship next week a couple days ago, I’ve been really nervous. I mean, this is the big meeting of our church, where they whole body comes together Saturday night to hear the strongest teachers in the fellowship. Usually, Keith teaches the meeting. Tonight was no different. He taught strongly and authoritatively on 1 Corinthians 5, running the gamut of emotions and alternating between light and funny to serious and convicting speech all the while having command of the biblical passage and the audience. It made me feel even more overwhelmed- I will have to follow his act next week.

So, then with everything on my mind, it was good to get out with the high school group, affectionately known as WORD, for some bowling after C.T. I was sort of hyped to get out and bowl, which is very strange because I think this is the first time I’ve ever been excited to bowl ever in my life.  I knew those pins had no chance.

I bowled pretty well, although when I start to do well, I get nervous and usually end up missing spares. What really gets me is that tenth frame, I especially get nervous when I strike on the first one. I don’t know how professional bowlers handle the pressure.

We went to Kent State, which has a bowling alley in Eastman Center. It was probably the perfect time to bowl there, because with it being St. Patrick’s Day, all the Kent State students would be out getting drunk. We had the bowling alley basically to ourselves, save the dance dance girl (who we’ll talk more about later) and a few pool players.

I bested my career high on the bowling lanes and finished my second game with a 164. That was after I choked in the tenth frame as usual, rolling a gutter ball and failing to covert the spare, knocking down 9 pins. Jeff Smalley had the nerve to beat my score in the last frame so he ended up having the best score of the night. Oh well, I’m not going to dwell on it because it’s bowling, everyone seemed to have a lot of fun. Kyle brought two of his friends from school who looked like roadies for Judas Priest and just about everyone else was there too.

Jeff was feeling like the Big Man on campus after he defeated me on the lanes…

The night got really interesting when Jeff started to play dance dance revolution. He was toe tapping his Ronald McDonald sized Chuck Taylors like a crazy man, his afro bouncing up and down all the while. He started to get cocky and dance really, really fruitaliciously because he was doing really well. That is, until the dance dance girl came up and beat his ass. There was some question whether he got nervous because there was a pretty girl dancing next to him, most likely uncharted waters for young Jeff, or just because she was better at DDR. Maybe she neutralized his fruity booty shakin’ moves by reminding him of his forgotten heterosexuality. The world may never know.

…that is until he got his bubble burst by a girl!

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Garbage Time

When I was younger, in the mid to late 90’s, my family has season tickets to the Cleveland Cavaliers. We’d go almost every night to see players like Mark Price, Terrell Brandon, and Larry Nance play and Brad Daugherty sit on the bench injured. Other players rode the pine too and my family, along with the Donnelly family, a random family we ended up befriending and sitting with for years as season ticket holders, had the most fun cheering for the lesser used Cavs to get into games that got out of hand and into “Garbage Time”. We had some favorite benchwarmers over the years, Harold Minor without a doubt tops the list. We’d yell and scream for Mike Fratello to put “Baby Jordan”, former slam dunk champion into the game. There was no question the bench heard us and while “the Czar” would rarely oblige, there were a few nights when the rest of the Cavs would look up at our section during a blowout and laugh hysterically as we chanted for Harold. Other players come to mind: Shawnelle Scott and even one of my personal favorite players ever, Bobby Phills used to sit the bench. Then there was John Amaechi. While he played about as often as he plays in the NBA now, I remember the nickname my dad gave him “Don Ameachi” who was of course, in the mafia and black.

Man in the Middle

The same John Amaechi has been making slight waves recently as the first professional athlete to come out and openly say he’s gay. He wrote a book, is enjoying his time in the spotlight, and even signed an endorsement deal. While the idea of a gay athlete on the playing field and in the locker room sparks up all kinds of debate, the fact is there’s a lot of people out there who are gay like Amaechi is. These people aren’t former basketball players, however, they are friends, collegues, people we see every day, and even family members. We may or may not know that these people are gay.

Judging by how the media is portraying Amaechi, he seems like a nice enough guy. He’s smart, charitable, and kind. He dresses well and says big words like “empathy” that impress interviewers. Frankly, he fits the stereotypical image our culture has of a homosexual male: clean cut, well-dressed, intelligent, and worldly. While there has been backlash, it’s been slight and has done more damage to the player who made the remarks, Tim Hardaway, to anyone else the comments could have offended. All in all, Amaechi has been praised, encouraged, and welcomed into the open by the loving and politically correct arms of the media.

Hey John, your shoe is untied. Seriously.

While I respect people’s choices to make their own choices, as is our culture’s custom, I can’t condone what Ameachi does in the privacy of his own bedroom. As a Christian I can’t make myself out to be more righteous than he is, because I know I’m a sinner too. The standard here isn’t my opinion, it’s the opinion of God. Specifically, while I’m not gay, I have also made choices in my life sexually and otherwise that have deviated from God’s will for our lives as humans.

Amaechi, in an interview with With Leather, has an other’s focused perspective on life, which cannot be said of most people:

“What I did, when you boil it down, was put a ball in a hole. Ten years of my life: putting a ball in a hole. I was good at it. I could do it from 18 feet, even. Sometimes 20 feet on a good night.” His stance is that working with other people and affecting lives positively is more important than playing sports professionally.

In a not-so strange way, it’s pretty easy to like Ameachi as a human, but the reality is he came out with a book and came out. At that point, it’s hard for anyone to see him as John Ameachi the well rounded individual and extremely easy to see him as the former basketballer that’s admittedly gay. If he hadn’t written “Man in the Middle”, we wouldn’t be hearing about him now. He’s chosen to live an openly homosexual life in the public eye, at the same time fires back at the ‘religious’ who disagree with him:

On religion, and the persistence of many Americans who “pray for him” and encourage him to “find Jesus”: “I’m not agnostic and I’m not atheist. I honestly don’t think about it. I think about this [motioned between him and the crowd].” His priorities are people; he’s bothered by people who “wander around, staring into the sun, all the while stepping on people”; and people who quote Leviticus to him need to understand that that was the Old Testament: “It’s been revised, you know. There’s a new edition.” He was also confounded by people who pick and choose what leftovers from the Old Testament are and aren’t sins: “It also forbids eating shellfish. If being gay is as bad as going to Red Lobster, I’m not really worried about it.”

Blogger Luke Middleton responded to Amaechi’s comments on truehoop.com with this:

Amaechi raises a really good point that many people have raised about Old Testament levitical law. He’s right, there’s a new edition. But that edition doesn’t negate the old one, but rather fulfills the old edition. It almost sounds like Amaechi is appealing to the New Testament as a rule and guide, so it’d be interesting to hear his thoughts on what Paul says about homosexuality.

So what does God have to say about Ameachi and others who stray from the way he designed sex to be, a fulfulling and most intimate experience meant to be enjoyed inside of a marriage between a man and woman? The apostle Paul addresses the church at Corinth, a place much like the America we know, in that all sexual preferences were excepted with the do whatever feels right for you attitude of today:

All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable… Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.

While it seems like God is this judgmental, ultra conservative, no-fun, rule-enforcer that wants to condemn people like you, me, and John Amaechi to hell because we don’t measure up to his standards, or do the things he wants us to do, it’s just the opposite. The Immorality in 1 Corinthians 6 Paul refers to encompasses all sexual sin. When we do things like have premarital or homosexual sex, watch pornography, co-habit together before marriage, or indulge in any other immoral behavior, we hurt ourselves. Relationships don’t work, lives fall apart, and people are ultimately destroyed. God, however, wants us to live a life of freedom and victory and spare us from making costly mistakes.

If anyone is in a position to pass judgment, it’s God. He created everything, he knows what makes things work. We may feel like we’re doing the right thing, but let’s take a step back and think about how accurate our feelings really are. There’s been countless times when we’ve felt we couldn’t make it or we needed ______ and a short time later we realized how wrong we really were. Rather than get caught up in whether we’re good enough, follow the rules, or live the right way, God ends the debate. You, me, and John Amaechi are all in the same boat. We all don’t measure up to God’s moral standard. The amazing news, however, is that rather than judge us, God came to give us a life we could only dream of. While we seek happiness and pleasure in all the wrong places, God knows where it is all along.

John Amaechi gave up basketball earlier than he had to because he cared about people and felt he could better help them that way. God, in a way none of us can even comprehend, sent his Son to die on the cross for our sins because he cared about people too. Often, we get put off by God’s rules and regulations because we see them as something he wants to force us to do, rather than as a loving guide to true happiness. What does God want from us? One thing- a relationship.He wants to end the alienation between you and him and come into your life. It doesn’t matter what your sexual preference is, the dirty things you done in your life, or how good or bad you think you are. God loves you and wants to meet you. You’ve seen the John 3:16 signs at sporting events, they’ve become cliche, but the message is still as beautiful as ever:

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.

As for sex, God created it and it’s meant to be good the way he designed it. Believe me: There’s nothing better than amazing, mind-blowing sex between a husband and wife.

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Excuse my French, but what the fuck happened to Silverchair?

This can’t be the same band that burst onto the alternative music scene in the mid-90’s and literally rocked the socks off of eighth graders like myself everywhere. When their debut album, Frogstomp was in my CD player, pumping songs like “Tomorrow”, “Pure Massacre”, and “Israel’s Son”, Daniel Johns and Co. were like the same age as me. I mean, that adds up to roughly the musical equal of LeBron James, only grunge and the epitome of cool- completely badass. Seriously, I listened to “Tomorrow” in my car just earlier today on my iPod. I still love that song.

The years weren’t kind to the one time heir apparents to Rock’s throne. “Neon Ballroom”, the band’s third album yielded one awesome single, “Anthem for the Year 2000″, and then Daniel Johns battled anorexia and debilitating reactive arthritis, meanwhile the group was making a dramatic change musically. The edginess left the building and was replaced with more artistic piano driven songs that sounded almost symphonic. Could there still be hope?

You can imagine my excitement then when I saw a listing for the band on myspace and put my headphones to listen to songs from the bands latest single, “Straight Lines”. It was like seeing one of your old buddies who you haven’t seen for a long time at the grocery store when you go back home to see Mom and Dad, only different because it just happened on the internet. I expect a band to change musically, but apparently, Silverchair has become the soundtrack to The Rocky Horror Picture show after it had an illegitimate love child with Savage Garden. Sometimes, I give tracks a few listens and marinate on them just to be sure they don’t grow on me, but one listen to the track “Straight Lines” and I’m ready to pass judgement. I think I just puked in my mouth a little. “Straight Lines” is bad.

It’s no surprise Silverchair’s early fan base is divided between the band’s new fan base on the direction Daniel Johns is leading them. The lead singer has evolved as an artist in addition to battling through his own personal demons.

In the words of Ron Burgundy, “agree to disagree” on the recent releases from Silverchair. However, a lot of folks seem to really like it. Culture Bully excitedly exclaims:

At first I honestly could not believe that what I was hearing was Silverchair, but a few listens through it becomes blazingly obvious that it is and that you’re still in love with them.

Although, I don’t see it the same way, I’ll always root for a guy (Johns) who has overcome some pretty intense challenges in life to make the kind of music he wants to make despite what people like myself might want or be expecting. It’s not like Silverchair is now fanless and downtrodden, it’s quite the opposite. The band still has an enormous fan base. Diorama, the fourth album, is certified triple platinum in Australia and the band’s new album, Young Modern, is eagerly anticipated on March 31.

To be fair, because Silverchair deserved it, we go way back, I listened to the other tracks availible on their myspace page. “All Across the World” and “Sleep All Day” are all both equally god awful. The band still looks pretty cool, save the vest and the black eye- probably inflicted by another estranged and disgruntled fan from Frogstomp days who couldn’t cope with what Silverchair has become.

Sorry Silverchair, you’re like that kid who was really popular in Middle School and we just met at the 5 year high school reunion and you’re doing things I don’t approve of. I knew you were into weird things and I heard rumors. Maybe I could have called or tried to do something more to save you. But, now I don’t know you and we can’t be friends anymore.

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Mixing LeBron

So, I’d been saving it for a special day.

You know, a day when I had some real free time on my hands. I could block out all the distractions and do it without interruption. After all, I was going to need some serious time and put in some serious effort. So, naturally, I had the time at work today. What am I talking about? The NBA Highlight Mixer, of course. Supposedly, as a read on one of my favorite basketball blog sites of all time, Truehoop, the NBA is starting to get wise to the fact that user-created videos on sites like youtube might not be their worst enemy after all. In fact, the hardcore fans that sift through them and put them together are the NBA’s biggest fans, enduring low-res grainy footage taped off someone else’s TV just to get a glimpse of their favorite player dunking over some other player.

The NBA Highlight Mixer gives fans the opportunity to edit and mix their own videos of NBA action, hence the name NBA Video Mixer. Naturally, I anticipated making a video of my favorite player, LeBron James. Gee, do you think anyone else likes LeBron? It’s a good thing I picked arguably the most popular player in the NBA to look make a highlight video of.

The problem with the NBA Highlight Mixer is that even for a hugely popular star like LeBron James, there are only about 35 video clips to choose from of LBJ. I mean, LeBron puts together almost 35 spectacular dunks, assists, steals, and blocks in a game- there should be thousands of clips to sort through. I allocated a lot of time because I was hoping to find my most treasured and favorite plays from LeBronistory, but it’s not meant to be, at least not yet. That would be amazing. This is not that. But it looks like a good start. There is a good selection of LeBron dunks and assists, just not the selection I’d hoped for. Hopefully, the NBA adds more soon.

LeBron and the Cavs shredded the Grizzles earlier tonight, 118-96, but you won’t be seeing the highlights in my mix anytime soon.

The biggest problem I have with NBA Highlight Mixer, aside from the weak selection and the harder then it should be actual mixing, is the song choices given to users to add to their compilations of NBA highlights. So, let’s say I do put together a few minutes of LeBron running up and down the hardwood dunking on lesser, weaker opponents. I want to add a killer song on top of the highlights to really seal the deal and make the highlight film an instant classic. Maybe “Robot Rock” by Daft Punk- I’ve always thought that would be a great song for a highlight reel. But, instead of the ability to upload my own mp3’s to the mix, the NBA gives us the option of about 15 songs, all by unrecognizable artists, with the exception of Papa Roach (yuk!), that make me uninterested in even listening to them, let alone adding them to something I’ve created and am willing to put my name on. Yes, the NBA gives us the option of choosing from such accomplished artists as Elvis White, Jupiter Rising, and Rissi Palmer. Thanks, but no thanks.

And it’s a shame too. I was looking forward to creating an amazing King James mix and then even had naive fantasies of putting together an old school Mark Price, Hot Rod Williams, Larry Nance number. Maybe one day every play in the history of the NBA is available for us to sort through, tag, and build into reels that we can play in embeddable YouTube style video players.

Until then, I think this is what a highlight film is supposed to look like. It’s Hulkamania, via the best week ever- yes a little cheesy, but I dare you not to get all fired up. Something about all that defiant finger pointing, twirling the hand and cupping it to the ear, shirt ripping, “carrying on”, and bodyslamming. Oh, I also confess. The choice of song is what really makes it work. My Chemical Romance might be whatever people diss them for being, but “Welcome to the Black Parade” is a guilty pleasure of mine. I rock it in the car, when I’m alone.

Greg Oden, Alpha Male

It’s also that time of year to fill out your NCAA brackets, if you’re into that kind of stuff. I haven’t seen much college hoops this year, with the exception of Ohio State. I’ve seen them a few times and they’re my team anyway. But what’s up with Greg Oden? I think Basketbawful’s take sums up my feelings about this man-beast because I’m just glad he plays for my hometeam. If his power was harnessed for evil, there’s no limit to the destruction and terror this guy could inflict. In gladiator times, Greg Oden would be the guy killing. maiming, and taking the women from you and I. This monster is a freshman? Oden looks like a MAN. An adult. Somebody who’s icy stare could freeze Ben Wallace in a prison shower. I’d like someone to produce a birth certificate for this dude – the droopy jowels, the… facial hair, the pronounced, looming brow – this ain’t no 19 year old. This is a 35-year-old dude playing AGAINST 19-year-olds…

Oden… [is] clearly a presence… bigger and stronger than everyone else – not by a little, by a lot – and when one of his guards throws a layup too hard against the glass, you know he’s gonna be there to slam it home with authority over some poor bastard half his age. On one play during the big ten… tournament this weekend, he stood on one side of the basket, reached full across the paint with his enormous wingspan, and tipped an errant shot off the glass and in with a couple of fingers that would, in a plane-crash-survivors-turning-cannibal situation, feed a family of four for three days.

That said, I think it’s best just to take Hofstetter’s advice about looking smart when it comes time to talk NCAA basketball at the office and fill out that bracket.

When in doubt, go with the school whose name is also its location. For example, pick Arizona over Purdue. That way you’ll never be caught not knowing where the school is.

pick one — and only one — ridiculous upset. Not because you’ll be right; you won’t be right. No, you do it because it gives you the opportunity to say either or both of the following two phrases: “They’re a lot better than their No. 13 ranking would indicate” or “They match up well against [name of heavily favored opponent].” This will work every time because it makes you sound like you’re intimately familiar with this unheard-of team, and nobody you say this to will know the very low seeds well enough to argue.

Avoid teams that give you directions. Eastern Kentucky, North Texas…the top basketball teams don’t need to tell you what part of the state they’re in. Just make sure you don’t get confused and include North Carolina in this group.

I laughed hard when I read it, because I swear you could get away with this. In fact, people would be looking at you like you’re the expert.

Too Much Rod Benson 

Rod who? Again, via Truehoop I got turned on to Rod Benson, a former Cal star trying to make it to the NBA in the NBDL, the NBA’s developmental league. Rod blogs at draftexpress and also has his own site. Both are insanely hilarious and I shouldn’t read them at work. Yesterday, reading his post on funny myspace messages, I almost spit pop all over my keyboard. This would not be a good thing because I’ve already spilled juice on it and when the weather gets humid like it did yesterday, the keys still go crunch, crunch, crunch as I type. The best part is the insight into the on and off the court activity fans don’t usually hear about that Rod provides.

Our next game… was against Mateen Cleaves… he talks a lot of nonsense… to get himself going a little bit. In the middle of our 20 point drubbing of the [Mateen's team], Mateen was shooting free throws. I swear we have some of the funniest fans in the league (maybe the cold air makes the brain wittier) because one of them says to Mateen: “Mateen, isn’t there an age limit in the D-League? Does David Stern know about this?!” I was on the bench with 4 fouls at the time so I was just dying laughing… The fan continued. “Does Tom Izzo know you’re here? Is he disappointed in you?” Mann our fans are great, huh?

After the game, Mateen, 7 of our guys, and I went to this bar… I realized that he’s a pretty cool guy. For one, his chain is the brightest, shiniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. The diamonds, platinum, and gold were wayyy too big time for a random bar in a random place as far as he’s concerned. Second, he was part of the funniest event of the whole night. So there’s this girl at the bar. She’s 6’3”, 275-300 lbs. I kid you not this is her size. As soon as I walk in, Corey Williams says to me “Hey Rod, ask her to give you the hug.” She then says “Oh you want the hug?” I look at her from head to toe then I look at Corey the same way you would look at Steve Irwin if he asked you if you wanted to hunt crocodiles. I say to Corey: “THE hug doesn’t sound good. If it was A hug that’s one thing, but THE hug sounds like it’s a little too much.” Right then she just grabs me and picks me up about 5 feet in the air in the middle of the bar. My body is so long that I swear my limbs must have knocked over a couple drinks and smacked someone in the face. I don’t get embarrassed easily, but right then I was about as flush as a black guy could be. She finally set me down and I went about my business as if nothing happened. I guess nobody else in the place seemed to care, maybe this was her gimmick and she was the main attraction at the bar. Anyways, she did the exact same thing to Matteen. This guy, no joke, screams out like a 13-year-old girl at a scary movie. He bobbled his drink and everything he was so scared. 

The thing about Rod is, he’s not afraid to make fun of himself, but more often he makes fun of the everyday happenings that happen during the course of a season in the NBDL.  Hilarious. Hopefully, Rod will be in the NBA someday. I can’t wait to hear about it.

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