True Confessions of an Originaljoesnake

Welcome to the first edition of Gossip Girl Plays Guitar Hero.

As you know, Gossip Girl is my new Veronica Mars, although it’ll never replace her.

It the most recent episode, Seventeen Candles, there’s a scene where two girls, Serena and Vanessa, who both like Dan battle it out like rich, privileged upper class high-school girls do: A Guitar Hero Duel!

Ok, Vanessa. You go first. We actually get to see you with the guitar hero guitar. But, now it’s Serena’s turn. Remember, if she plays Guitar Hero really well, she’ll retain the title of most popular girl all the other girls want to be like. Her song: Free Bird.

Ok, Serena. Wait, is that you Serena? I’m not sure. This scene is reminiscent of the episode “Air Jesse” of Full House where Uncle Jesse learned to play basketball with a lesson from Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Kareem told Uncle Jesse to find his “sweet spot” and when he did, he kept swishing shots. Only problem was, as is so typical of basketball scenes in TV and movies, we never actually see Uncle Jesse make a shot. Sure, we see him shoot the ball and then we see the camera cut to a shot of the ball swishing through the net, but something doesn’t feel right. Serena, honey, something doesn’t feel right here either. We can’t see you actually playing Guitar Hero.

See, son of a bitch if I wasn’t right. We’re hearing Free Bird, we’re seeing Serena bob her head like she’s playing free bird, but we don’t actually see visual evidence she’s truly Guitar Heroing free bird!

I smell a rat. Here’s the classic tell-tale sign we’ve been had: the shot of Serena bobbing her head and cut to the shot of fingers playing Guitar Hero. The minds behind Gossip Girl want us to just see some set of random mystery fingers moving and mindlessly believe it’s not the same Uncle Jesse “sweet spot” trick. Wait, the fingers aren’t even moving to the music. How hard is it to play Guitar Hero, I mean really!

This is where things really get good. The expression on the token black friend’s face says it all: “Damn, girl! You can PLAY!” But seriously, how absurd is this whole scene getting? A high school Guitar Hero showdown in upper class NYC between two beautiful girls fighting over the same guy- this is why I love this show! Not only that, but we’re supposed to believe Serena is some kind of dyanimo at Guitar Hero. This is so silly. One, it’s not that hard to play Guitar Hero. Two, I did not know amazing Guitar Heroing was the easiest way to impress prep schoolers who never actually seem to be in school. This would be like a Yo-Yo competition attracting a huge crowd- it would never really happen. But, she’s wowing the crowd and even the minorities have to stand up and applaud ’cause, “Damn, that white bitch can shred!”

More shredding, obviously fake. No shots of actual Serena playing actual guitar. We’ve seen guitar and we’ve seen Serena, but never Serena and guitar.

Sell it with the facial expression, Serena! Everybody knows when someone makes a face like this, they’re actually playing, right?

Do star power! Do Star Power!

This is awesome! Watching people play Guitar Hero is awesome! I’m wetting my pants!

That’s right I’m the shit! You know I’m the shit because I’m playing Guitar Hero! This is my I’m the shit face.

That’s right! I’m Serena van der Woodsen, bitch! I’m constant fodder to the rumor mill! My parents are on the boards of all major charities and art organizations in the city and live in a luxurious penthouse! I got the high score and the guy!

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