True Confessions of an Originaljoesnake

So, I was feeling really under the weather last night and should have just called it a day a lot earlier and got some rest, but I couldn’t tear myself away from Gossip Girl, Next Top Model, and then Ken Burns’ new documentary War came on. I also watched the Browns game with Lauren, my sister, and Kyle. I don’t normally watch a lot of TV, but when I do, I guess I go all out!

First of all, I hate Tyra Banks and America’s Next Top Model. It never fails, Tyra has to ask the girls why she should pick them as the next top model. All the girls are all like, “I deserve to be the next top model because I had a hard life and I don’t want to go back to being a bartender.” How exactly does this qualify you for anything other than being like most people in the world? If the criteria for modeling was difficult and sucky life, we’d have a world full of supermodels. I guess this is what you end up watching when you don’t have cable and only a few channels come in and you can’t understand spanish so you don’t feel like watching Univision.

The Browns lost. They should have won. Their last second, game winning field goal was blocked. The real story of the game was the Browns’ fill in punter, Scott Player. Player looks just like the angry Dad from American Chopper- old, gray hair, gray fu-manchu and wore a one-bar face mask- you know the kind they wore in 1960, but he actually punted really well, which with the Browns is essential. Even though the Browns’ starting punter, Dave Zastudil, is good I can envision Player becoming a folk hero and mass riots and uprisings ensuing in greater Cleveland if he’s not on the field for the rest of the year.

We watched the game at BW3’s, which was more interesting than the actual game. People were sporting the gear of their fav teams – Browns, Steelers, Bengals, Colts… I get the Browns, it’s Cleveland, and even the Steelers: people who thrive on attention from others that don’t even care if it’s good or bad, but Bengals? Come, on. Colts? Get off the bandwagon, people! People were going NUTS watching about 67 different TVs at once. There was this little boy there wearing his football uniform and Derek Anderson threw one of his 23 almost interceptions and you should have seen this little man’s face. He jumped up out of his seat and did his best Bill Cowher imitation (on the sideline about to go off on somebody because he’s in furious disbelief that one of his players could make an idiotic mistake that stupid). Can’t wait to see this how this little dude handles 4 or 5 more years of Browns failures! He just might have a heart attack at age 9.

Gossip Girl is one of those shows that’s so corny you can’t believe you’re watching it. Someone, we don’t know who, is writing some internet blog about spoiled rich high school students that drink Martinis. This show will probably replace Veronica Mars (ironically Veronica Mars is the voice of Gossip Girl) as the show I shouldn’t watch unless I’m a 14 year old girl, but I will anyway.

But then Ken Burns, who looks crazy by the way, had a new documentary coming on WVIZ. It took all I had to just to eventually go to bed and not watch the whole thing. But, not before I watched about an hour of it anyway. It’s about World War II and it predominately follows soldiers from four towns in America as they go off to fight for their country.

The thing that really struck me about the first portion that focused on ww2 being nessicary was the African Americans that went to fight for the USA. America was asking these guys to man up, do what was right, and defend freedom, yet the country’s definition of freedom restricted them from fighting with whites in a regiment or eating at the counter at Woolworth’s. The army even separated blood supplies for blacks and whites.

In “War”, when they were talking about the towns involved, people interviewed kept saying what a great place this town was to live, nobody locked their doors, etc. I always hear older people saying this- how the country used to be wholesome, apple pie, safe, etc. But the hypocrisy is sad and almost laughable. A so-called freedom loving country asked it’s not-so free black soldiers to go and sacrifice in a war being fought in the name of freedom from unjust racial and ethnic discrimination.

One black solider, looking back many years later, told interviewers basically I know it sucked but I saw what my father went through and I had it a little better and so I signed up for the war so hopefully my children would have it a little better. 

Additional Information

It’s been said that a rapper’s debut album will almost always be his best. The theory behind it is because he’s the straight off the streets, the rapper has something to prove and unaffected by money and fame, he pours his heart and soul into his lyrics. His songs actually mean something and there’s tension there- sometimes straight off the streets, sometimes still drug dealing, the young rapper has to make it. After years go by and the rapper has made it, he’s accused of going soft and selling out. It’s no wonder because his fortune and fame has separated him from the streets and instead of putting all his effort into his music, he’s thinking about the next piece of jewelry he’ll buy. When the awards start pouring in, they to go to his head. He goes to the bank and makes more albums that sell based on the success of his previous releases.

The fictional boxing champion Rocky faced a similar a situation. Coming out of Philadelphia poor and washed up, he gave his all when he was given a chance of a lifetime to fight for the heavyweight title. Rocky was hungry and desperately wanted to show people he was somebody by just “going the distance” with Apollo Creed. He laid it all on the line in the ring and a mythical great was born. A movie later, to Mickey’s dismay, fame and fortune had gone to Rocky’s head and he lacked the intense drive he once had and got punished by Mr. T. Not surprisingly, in order to regain his edge, Rocky had to go back to the basics and train like he did the first time he fought Apollo Creed- all out, hungry, with nothing to lose, and everything to prove.

I’ve been reading 1 Timothy and in my estimation, Paul was the original hungry contender. As you read his letters, he’s constantly talking about his “roots”, where he came from, and what his life was like before he became the most successful missionary of all-time. Paul even uses analogies of athletes and running races to hammer his points on grace and living the Christian life home.

Paul faced intense suffering, the likes of which we can’t even dream. He lead a life a getting beaten, shipwrecked, and imprisoned and it’s almost tough to take it seriously or believe it’s as severe as it really was mostly because Paul himself has a supernatural ability to shrug it all off and scoff in it’s face like it was no thing. I mean prision is a harsh place today and we have all kinds of laws and rights to protect prisioners. Back then, prision was probably hell on earth.

What’s Paul’s secret? He could have easily let his stature and success in the church go to his head at any point during his life and spent his remaining days getting fat off of the support of people who he had previously lead. How is he able to press on living this kind of life, hell-bent on squeezing every drop of his self out before he dies in service of Christ? Paul says he’s learned the secret to life and how to be content in any circumstance, a statement which makes our ears perk up in the anticipation of its conclusion. Is this secret found at some mountain top or after some long journey? No, the secret to a happy and fulfilled life, according to Paul is surprisingly easy!

The key to Paul’s success was that in whatever he did, he always kept it real. He remembered where he came from and remembered his roots. In other words, as he puts it in 1 Tim, “I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief… that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example…”

Before Christ, Paul was a success in the world’s eyes. Yet, he explains he was ignorant and for all his effort and hard work, only accomplished horrible things, ruined lives, and made mistakes apart from God. When he finally met God and realized the truth about Jesus Christ, Paul knew without a doubt that the only thing he deserved was a death sentence. Yet, Christ gave him grace.

Paul is always talking about himself before Christ and Christ’s grace because he knew what he deserved, yet he also knew what Christ gave him instead. Instead of being focused on himself or his horrible circumstances, all Paul can think about is the awesomeness of God’s grace and how badly he didn’t deserve it. At this point, he’s willing to anything for God because his whole life is undeserved and “icing on the cake” from his mindset. It’s a viewpoint that’s firmly rooted in truth and reality.

I get the feeling that whenever Paul felt himself starting to lose his edge or hunger, he immediately began thinking about where he came from. Like Rocky, he knows that he doesn’t really even deserve a shot in the ring, but since he’s got it he’s giving it his all. This mindset: focus on God, the knowledge that everything good he does must come from God and not himself, and attitude of gratitude he had is the key to all of his success. How awesome it must have been to look back on his life and know he ran the race and laid it all out on the line.

Additional Information

Without a doubt, one of the best events of the year body of Christ-wise, or anything-wise for that matter, is the annual Baptisms held by my church.

Every year, we’re always saying “this year was the best Baptisms ever!” and this year was no different, even though I’ll always be partial to the year I got baptized.

The baptisms are a coming out party for the new Christians that have established a relationship with Christ that year. They stand up in front of the body, their friends, and family and give their testimony, the story of how they met Christ and how God worked in their life to bring them to a relationship with him.

This year, I was involved in Baptizing Josh. Josh has been coming to the high school bible study, WORD for a couple months. He’s Sean’s friend from school. Josh got up in front of the crowd gathered at the Walton Hills Lake Club, which included his Mother, Granny, and friend Sally and began to talk about how he made the decision to confess with his mouth Jesus was Lord.

Josh may have a future career in stand up comedy, as he had everyone laughing as he told his story. It was sweet to see him get up there and talk about the night he received Christ because I was directly involved and used by God that night too.

It’s amazing how God works in a situation like this. It’s easy to see how he’s working with Josh to reconcile him into a relationship with his loving creator. Welcome to the body of Christ, Josh. Welcome to a relationship with God, here’s your free pass to heaven and your inheritance, future heir to the kingdom. What’s easily overlooked, however, is how God was working just as miraculously with the people he was using to reach Josh through.

Basically, Sean and I are getting ready to Baptizzzze!

Sean spoke at the baptism about how he had prayed to God that God would provide him a friend who he could relate to and understand. God was on top of things and put Josh, who shares many common interests and Asperger’s syndrome with Sean, in his life. Through Josh, Sean now has a best friend in the body of Christ, someone who he can relate to on a deeper level than he could with anyone else. I’ve seen Sean come out of his shell since the arrival of Josh- Sean is friendlier than I’ve ever seen, he’s asking thoughtful questions about my life and other people, and he’s praying for others. Although Sean invited Josh to his first bible study, an action that lead directly to his salvation, God is using Josh to bless Sean just as much as he’s using Sean to bless Josh. It’s crazy!

God used Josh to reveal some things to me too. As I was witnessing to him on our frequent car trips home, I realized something that felt like a revolution (I wrote about it here, too) in my entire life: I realized how powerful God was, I realized that I could be a successful evangelist if I just got out of my own way and depended on God, and I realized that this whole thing we do as Christians is so much bigger than I am and it’s really not about me at all. I’m just lucky that God considered me worthy to play a small role in Josh’s entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven.

AMAZING! The Browns won too!

The night we rode home and Josh prayed to God for the first time ever and was noticeably emotionally overjoyed and effected by the experience was truly awesome. Even though he believed that Jesus was Lord and rose from the dead in his heart, Josh had been struggling with saying the actual words to confess with his mouth that Jesus was Lord. Every time he’d get close to praying the actual prayer of repentance, something got in his way and his thoughts would turn cloudy. After we prayed together with Bryan, however, he was able to go home that very night and pray for God to help him confess. As soon as he prayed, he was able to pray to receive Christ.

…and Boom! We got ‘em! Look at Sean- he’s making sure there’s no doubt about this one!

One more reason the baptisms are awesome: even if you’re not up there getting baptized or baptizing someone that year, chances are you’re directly tied anyway. Lauren’s friend Leah, who she met long ago at Tri C and invited to a bible study, was able to stand up years later and baptize one of her close friends, Dan. I just had to point out that if she wouldn’t have ever invited Leah, Dan would have never gotten saved either to Lauren on the way home.

I’m already looking forward to next year’s baptisms too. How will God use our Body in the coming months to save those people out there that don’t know him? Bryan is finally on fire again for the Lord and that means he’s all about bringing his friends. When he initially was saved Bryan had this same all-out approach to evangelism, but this time he’ll actually have some substance to follow through on the guys he brings. It’s going to be really awesome to see him standing up there next year and baptizing some of those friends. Antwan, one of these friends, came to CT and won our Karaoke competition afterwards. This kid is pure electricity in tall, skinny, black form. You missed one hell of a karaoke, as he screamed and growled along to “Goats on a Boat” by the hardcore band, The Devil Wears Prada.

Additional Information

John Gibbons clearly has the Bedford High School football team moving in the right direction in his first year as head coach. However, there is at least one enormous obstacle in the way to taking the Bearcats’ program to prominence that still remains after tonight’s 47-13 blow-out loss. The hurdle is the Euclid Panthers and since anyone can remember, Euclid has dominated Bedford on the gridiron, routinely chalking up a win every year in their annual match-up. The Panthers play the part of the older brother eager to school the younger brother, Bedford, who comes to the game thinking he can play with his sibling.

Euclid was able to score on Bedford throughout the night with the ease of a teenager playing his favorite team in a Madden video game. The Panthers scored touchdowns four times during the course of the contest on the very first play of a scoring drive and many more came just a few more plays in.

After forcing the Panthers into a 3-and-out on their first offensive series, Bedford took the ball for the first time offensively and after a false start, a fumbled snap, and an illegal substitution penalty, was also forced to punt.

Like a scene from a bad horror movie when a naïve teenager wanders off down a darkened path unaware Michael Myers is on the loose, every time Bedford lines up in punt formation get ready to look away with the anticipation that something horrible will happen. All that’s missing is the ominious music when Jarod Kimber comes into punt for Bedford. Kimber caught the snaps closer to center than usual for a punt formation, seemingly to get the kicks off sooner. This new strategy failed, however, when a host of Panthers crashed through the line, blocked, and recovered the Bearcat punt attempt.

Euclid took the ball with excellent field position and wide-out Ken Amos caught a short pass from Panther quarterback Howard Drake using a slick spin move to turn it into a 12-yard score. Bedford was able to answer right back behind the shifty running of Jerrell Hodge and make the score 7-7 early in the first. To everyone watching, it seemed like this would be the beginning of hard-fought battle.

Euclid had other ideas and quickly sunk its teeth into Bedford, using the superior speed of electrifying wide receiver/ punt returner Travis Smith and running back John Franklin to gouge the ‘Cats defense with long plays. As the half wound down, the Panthers applied even more pressure with a physical, intimidating style. Franklin and Panther’s defensive linemen Derron Hamilton and Andre Padget were a blanket over anyone wearing a green jersey and holding a football all night long. The teeth dug deeper and Euclid wasn’t even content going into the locker room up by almost 30 points. With around 2 minutes left in the second quarter and the score 34-7, Drake faked a hand-off and fired a perfect pass deep across half of the field to Andrew Bailey, making it 41-7.

Although the final half was played, the contest was effectively over just minutes into the second quarter. In scoring their 41 first-half points so quickly on so many big plays, Euclid handled the ball an amazing 6 minutes and 39 seconds, compared to Bedford’s 17 minutes and 21 seconds.

Going in, the Bearcats knew this contest would provide a realistic assessment of just how far they had come as a football team. After seeing Howard Drake and Co. come into Bearcat Stadium and give them a harsh, yet accurate lesson of what remains to be done, Coach Gibbons will continue transforming his team. The real task for the Bearcats in the coming weeks will be to manage this defeat and the let down the players experienced on the field. The players expected to compete with Euclid and weren’t able to. Now, this Bearcat team must make this humbling defeat a positive motivator for the rest of the 2007 campaign.

Additional Information

Back for another season with the Bedford Bearcats, last season’s blog can be found here. Cleveland.com is using a new blogging platform this year, so I’ve got a new address. Hopefully, the tens of people who read about the Bearcats last season will be able to find this blog at the new site and get their BHS football fill.

Of course, this season brings at lease one notable change- The ‘Cats have a new head coach, John Gibbons, who coached last year at St. Ed’s. Many of Bedford’s top players have returned this year, including quarterback Shon Byars, tailback Brian Darden, linebacker Jared Kimber, defensive back Jerrell Hodge, and lineman Nick Scott, who was picked by the Plain Dealer as the Lake Erie League Erie Division’s Preseason Most Valuable Lineman.

The weather on August 24, last Friday, if you remember, was extremely hot and humid with air feeling stagnant and oppressive. Under these muggy conditions, the Mayfield Wildcats rode into Bedford Stadium for the first game of the season. Although it cooled down eventually that evening, the Bearcat offense never broke out of looking like the day’s weather was feeling. If you were not promptly in your seats for the start of the game, you missed the only briefly watch able offensive play for Bedford- a massive touchdown run by Brian Darden that would have started the game off with a bang, but instead was showered with yellow flags and called back by a penalty. Mayfield then put 21 first half points on the board and needed to do little else to secure an easy opening game win by a final score of 23-7 and head home up 271.
Mayfield and quarterback Frankie Ferritto were impressive early on. Ferritto demonstrated agility and pose all night, avoiding the Bedford rush with his feet to make big plays downfield with his arm. In the first quarter, Ferritto avoided a rush and bombed a 38 touchdown pass to tight-end Dan Coleman. Special teams were the huge, deciding difference in the contest, however. The Wildcats used Carey Spears’ big leg to pin Bedford back deep on kickoffs and took advantage of the Bearcats’ weak punting game to harass punter Jared Kimber into multiple bad punts, including one that Mayfield blocked and recovered for the score to make it 14-0 in the first quarter.

Early in the second quarter, Ferritto avoided a Bedford blitz and threw another bomb, this time to wide-out CC Smith for a 31-yard score. This effectively put the game out of reach, yet both teams continued to battle fiercely. The defenses of both Bedford, with the exception of about three big offensive plays by the Wildcats (the 2 TDs and a 30-yard Mike Gype run up the middle), and Mayfield were sharp all night long. Bedford could get absolutely nothing going on offense for the majority of the game, repeatedly trying to run the ball out of 4 or 5 wide sets. Wildcat linebacker Jake Powall was a tackling machine, harassing Bedford ball carriers all night long.

Bedford did get one score in the third quarter, as junior running back Jerrell Hodge tip-toed the sideline into the end zone on a 9-yard run. Senior Brian Darden was aggressive and impressive playing opposite his usual side of the ball at linebacker. However, the Bearcats will need to find consistency and success at the quarterback and running back positions to ensure a successful season. Coach John Gibbons rotated both Byars and Sophomore Bruce Edwards at Q, but both were stymied by the Mayfield defense with Edwards playing more snaps near the end of the game.

Tonight, the ‘Cats try to even their record and make the short trip to play Maple Heights at beautiful Stafford Park (you know, behind Liberty Ford and Wendy’s).

Additional Information

Shearer’s Buffalo Wing Bleu Cheese Kettle Cooked Extra Crunchy Potato Chips are the best potato chips I have ever eaten. 

 These chips represent the pinnacle of human ingenuity, creativity, and accomplishment. Truly, I am reminded of what God said at the Tower of Babel, that when humans unite, “nothing which they purpose to do will be impossible for them”. I mean, if we can make a chip taste amazingly like a buffalo wing, effectively containing an intense flavor explosion on the surface of a normal potato chip, what can’t we do?

Vick

A lot of people have trouble believing Michael Vick when he apologized for dog fighting. He was involved in the “sport” for years; organizing, bank rolling, and gambling on the fights and only after he was backed into a corner with irrefutable evidence did he finally admit wrong doing. Initially, Vick claimed he was innocent and “looked forward to clearing his good name”. This is a guy who, for the majority of his life, has gotten away with just about anything he wanted to because of his immense athletic ability. Vick’s had a number of infamous off-field incidents in the past and was already viewed by some in the sports world as a thug. He probably thought he played life by different rules because of his talent and took for granted the wealth, women, and excess that his physical gifts afforded. I’m not saying he lived an entire life of horrible thuggery, but He probably scoffed at the whole dog fighting controversy, thinking he’d never get into any actual trouble.

But then he did. His football got taken away from him and to the people who matter; Vick’s star status wouldn’t get him out of the situation. His “boys” were ready to testify against him. At this point,Sports Center has been overrun with images of Vick at court, pleading guilty to the charges and apologizing for what he did.

It would be naive to except Vick’s apology (like he owed me an apology anyway) outright and think that the dog fighting was a one-time mistake that won’t ever happen again. Michael Vick has been involved in dog fighting for years, doing things most people consider heinous, reprehensible, and worthy of condemnation to hell. I don’t think he was doing the dog fights thinking to himself “I’m so evil and heinous”, rather he probably didn’t feel like dog fighting was really that bad. Without going into all the racial implications being made about this, he was involved in a “sport” that most of mainstream culture just doesn’t understand.

[Vick went] by the nickname “Ookie” around the Bad Newz Kennels…the name of the outfit that operated from Vick’s property and raised pit bulls to fight.

So, to think overnight Michael Vick has changed his whole way of thinking just because he got caught- I’m skeptical. However, Vick’s unmistakable expressions of contrition, shame, and remorse…genuineness may be questioned, his comments… were among the most apologetic remarks ever heard by a professional athlete. ” The apology didn’t seem like it was written by a PR person, it seemed like Vick was genuinely sorry. Whether he’s sorry for the actual dog fighting or just sorry that he got caught I don’t know and I don’t believe anyone else really can say for sure, either.Only time will show if Vick is truly repentant for his actions or not. We all can speak words, but actions will demonstrate that Vick has actually changed his mind about dog fighting. A lot of media are saying Michael Vick can show he meant what he said by donating to animal abuse charities and shelters and volunteering at them. This would be a great idea and if Vick is truly repentant and humble in heart, he’ll do something like this.It’s a little insane that people have acted so harshly towards Vick because of his involvement in dog fighting. Don’t get me wrong: what Vick did was horrible. I could not fathom how a human being could do things like he did to animals. But to say:

“I am confident that the hottest places in Hell are reserved for the souls of sick and brutal people who hold God’s creatures in such brutal and cruel contempt!“ as West Virginia Senator Robert Byrddid is crazy. If anyone should know about forgiveness, judgment, and second chances, it’s Senator Byrd, who in his younger days was a leader in the Ku Klux Klan and at one time viewed African-Americans as “race mongrels”. Do we really get to determine God’s punishment for Michael Vick just because our culture values pets? Honestly, Vick would have received far less public outcry if he would have faced murder or rape charges.The portion of Vick’s apology that stopped me was:

“Dog fighting is a terrible thing, and I did reject it.I’m upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God. And I think that’s the right thing to do as of right now.”

Did Mike Vick really accept Jesus Christ? Predictably, some media are saying this was a predictable cop-out by Vick to play the God card and have taken this opportunity afforded by Vick to point out that it’s so typical for someone to turn to Jesus when they’re in trouble like this. Was Michael Vick just trying to get the sympathy of “people who believe in such rubbish”?

On the other hand, it takes drastic, horrible, suffering or circumstances and mistakes we create in our lives because we’re horrible at life before we finally realize that we don’t have everything figured out and all together and we do need God. That’s the nature of salvation: we need to stop trying to handle things and realize that we can’t. If Vick finally realized that for all his on-field accomplishments, he still was an off-field screw-up in life and asked Christ into his life, that’s awesome.

I’m skeptical as hell though. Michael Vick is extremely gifted, yet thus far hasn’t used his talents to be a positive role-model to those looking up to him. A lot could be said about that- Is it really Vick’s job to be a role model? Did he ever really have a suitable role model himself? Real role models aren’t measured by vertical leap, they’re measured by things like character and integrity. However, like it or not, along with being considered one of the most talented athletes ever comes the implied responsibility of having it together off the field too.

I swear though, I always root for these kinds of players. I wasn’t a Michael Vick fan before, but I’m hoping he honestly has turned to Jesus and gets his life together whether or not he’s ever a success on the field again. Maybe this time he can make good on the opportunities his talent affords him, rather than exploit these gifts. Vick will get a chance to play again, for the same reasons he thought he’d never be caught in the first place- he’s too good for a team not to take a chance on him. The NFL is full of drunken-driving, wife-beating, maniacs just like the rest of society. The only difference is the NFL has the ones who can score touchdowns. It might make the story more compelling if he where to come back and do well again in the NFL, while at the same time being a success of the field and staying out of trouble.

Vick is going to be my new William Green, the former Browns running back who had a plethora of infamous off-field incidents before his release from the team. While not the superstar Vick is, Green seemed, at least at times, to have all the physical tools to be a good player in the NFL. He just kept screwing up off the field, driving drunk (with no shirt or shoes on) or getting stabbed by his girlfriend. Supposedly, Green had a tough up-bringing and I always hoped he’d turn his life around and have success for the Browns. Sadly, without a “Where are they now?” episode of former Browns draft picks to work from, or a generic list of gifted people who’ve thrown it all away, more often than not these super-talented players too often make mistakes, fail to live up to huge promise and greater expectations, and never recover.

I’m cautiously optimistic, but I hope Vick is different and truly undergoes a remarkable life change.

Additional Information

Brady Quinn is looking good and I don’t mean in a homo-erotic way, although the new buzzed hair-do looks way better. It’s apparent that he’s going to be the Browns’ starting QB sooner than later. In the 3rd quarter he threw a perfect 30 yard spiraling pass to Joe Jarevicius. The ball was a bomb that landed precisely in Joe’s arms after avoiding the defender. Replays seemed to show that Joe managed to get both feet in, but Romeo didn’t challenge (probably because his mind was on post-game hoagies) which was criminal because I haven’t seen a Browns QB throw a pass this beautiful since the days of Bernie.

Bernie Kosar was a good great quarterback, but he may be an even better commentator. Bernie always sounds and looks drunk and isn’t afraid to say things normal announcers would cringe at. I remember last year Charlie Frye threw an awful pass (you remember that too, don’t you) and Kosar quickly exclaimed something like “He’s going to get his reciever killed!” or something like that to the horror of the other announcers in the booth with him. He’s really rough in the booth. He’s sporting a red t-shirt. It looks like Bernie just rolled up to the studio in his sweats and a T and the station had to find a sport coat to put on him for television. Some people are saying that Bernie might have Parkinson’s, which isn’ t that far-fetched because he’s talking crazy, jittery, and doesn’t look good.

Additional Information

The new rides at Cedar Point are all super tall, amazingly fast beacons of man’s ingenuity for thrill seeking and money making. A day at Cedar Point is a hot, sweaty, chaffing, bank account draining, exhausting experience. The genius carnies behind the mega-park grind you down all day with a simple and expected formula: long lines, waiting, walking, waiting, walking, long lines, waiting, hot, sweaty, walking, the wafting of BBQ smells into the lines, well-placed pop machines in the lines, waiting, walking, elephant ear smell, long lines, waiting walking, hot, sweaty, until you submit, curl up into the fetal position, open up your wallet and start buying overpriced everything in sight.

I mean, for a penny pincher, Cedar Point is hell. I think I’d save myself mental anguish if I’d just approach a day at the theme park like smart folks approach Las Vegas- they set aside a certain amount of money that’s reasonable and then they go into the gambling with the mindset that losing that amount is expected. Once they lose that amount, they stop. Does betting $50 on a hand of black jack make sense? Well, about as much sense as buying a $5 pepsi at Cedar Point does, but you go into both situations expecting to lose money because the odds are not in your favor- the house always wins.

Do I like going to Cedar Point? No, not really. But, every year or so, it’s part of being an American type person and it’s just what you’re supposed to do. Besides, there are things to do at an amusement park that are fun and don’t cost money. A trip to Cedar Point is as much a day of waiting in line as it is an advanced master’s degree program in Bad Decision Making: Tattoos, Body Piercing, and Apparel. Where did all these tattoos come from? Why did it seem a good idea at the time to get a tribal basketball on my arm or a full back tattoo of my last name over a humongous cross? If I’m a woman with big, droopy breasts and cellulite, why wouldn’t I wear a bikini? Truly, I am amazed at the amount of people that have tattoos. I’d say not having a tattoo is the new tattoo. 20 years ago, a guy with a full-sleeve of tats on his arm was a severe outcast from society. Now, you see normal looking suburban fathers that are all inked up.

So, Cedar Point and amusement parks in general are this American tradition. Cedar Point keeps coming up with bigger, faster, and more innovative ways to “thrill” people with rollercoasters and rides. I have to believe that an underwater ride is next. Can you hear the bored-out-of-his-or-her-foreign-exchange-person-spending-the-summer-in-Sandusky-mind Ride Operator now: “You’ll reach speeds up 2324 MPH and be under water for more than 3 minutes! Enjoy the rest of your day at Cedar Point, America’s Rocking Roller Coast!” Let’s see the line for the coveted “front car” on that underwater ride, as the people in the front would be first to smack into the water…

I guess what’s so exiting about rollercoasters is they’re so fast and kind of dangerous, right? I mean, you’re twisting and turning and up soooo high- you could potentially fall and die. Some people don’t ride them, it’s too scary, while others get off on the thrill. I’m somewhere in between- the long lines aren’t really worth the thrill, but rollercoasters are fun-when they’re not slamming you around, making your head hurt. But, in my opinion, the newest most “dangerous” rides really aren’t dangerous at all. These multi-million dollar Millennium Forces have been so tested and retested and they shut down for hours at the slightest wind blow without a moment’s notice to the chagrin of people that have been waiting for two hours in line. No, the real death trap at Cedar Point is those damn Sky Cars- those little rickety booths that suspend a hundred feet over the midway on a rusty ass little cable. If you’re going to die at Cedar Point, it’s crashing to the ground in one of those. Seriously, when I ride those things, I’m white knuckled on the pole in the middle of the car the entire time.

Additional Information

Additional Information